The Ones Who Leave; aka the "Let Them" Movement

Before God elevates you, He will separate you.

All of us have a tribe, a close circle of like-minded friends. Friends who walk into your life during different seasons of your journey and sometimes even become family. The ones who stay. They could be around as you raise your children, vacation with you, join in your life celebrations, and mourn with you during those difficult, gut-wrenching hours. Friends that get your quirky, dated jokes or movie references and love you despite your obnoxious imperfections. The ones we lift up in prayer and thank God for bringing them into our lives when we needed them most. The friends that we like to bless or lift up as often as they come to mind. You know the type, the ones who you never get tired of being around and miss when they are away. The lifers.

There's another friend-grouping my husband and I like to call "the Surfs." We came up with this term while attending college together, and find it to still be relevant today. Surfs are surface people, not really much of a connection there. The friendship doesn't go deep, no roots or substance whatsoever, and you mutually expect nothing from the "relationship," or lack thereof. You know where you stand and you're fine with that. Surfs are good party goers, and can be a lot of fun, as long as you don't expect anything more out of the friendship. Surfs are really just acquaintances that you call when you want a light hearted, mindless couple of hours to forget about the stress or troubles you may be dealing with. They are sometimes just a nice distraction from reality. They too, serve a purpose.

For me, personally, all roads lead to hope. In the writing of my first book, though parts of the story were sad, the underlying theme of the book as well as the its ending remained hopeful. The mission statement of my naturopathic and holistic wellness coaching business has always been centered around hope. By now, it is my prayer that you have come to expect nothing less from my blogs or even vlogs. I can't stand negativity and try to encourage the positive as much as is possible.

That being said, this particular topic may seem to have negative undertones. I mean, let's be real here. Or as Joan Rivers would say, "Can we talk?" The truth is hurtful at times, but most often necessary. I promise, if you stick with me, this blog entry will end in hope.

We've already chatted about a couple of friend types. If you would indulge me a little, I'd like to share a story about one thought to have been a "lifer" but actually ended up a "surf," before falling off the grid entirely.

Last year was an especially challenging one. I traveled coast to coast and to the middle of the country practically the entire year. For one who doesn't care to travel or fly alone, I actually got pretty good at it. Family members needed help at times, so away I flew to do what I could and to show my love for them as much as possible. The toughest for me during my travels, was watching my youngest child, not quite 21, go through cancer surgery, radiation treatment, and recovery. It was a year of great reflection, overflowing with extremely tear-filled and many thankful moments. An emotional roller coaster ride on steroids. As I remained in survival-mode, I focused on what was most important in life. I took stock of who I had in my life that I cherished, and tried to let go of the things I had no control over. Believe me when I tell you that while you are spending a year floundering around in survival-mode fashion, you become vulnerable to being hurt yourself. This could be due, largely or in part, to the fact that you are most likely putting yourself and your own needs last. We all do it.

Towards the latter part of the year and prior to my daughter's radiation treatment, I reached out to a friend. One that I hadn't connected with for a while, and believed in my heart that she had just been too busy to reach out or respond to my messages. I let her know that my daughter, had been diagnosed with cancer. I shared the dates of her surgery, which by the way ended up being way more invasive than expected, as well as the dates of her radiation treatment. I had told her that she was missed and that we just wanted her (and her family) to know what we had been dealing with. At the time, I received a text message stating that she would send prayers.

After that, crickets. Nothing.

Not one message, text or call checking in on my daughter after her surgery. Nothing about her radiation therapy-ever. I was crushed. I genuinely thought she cared, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Please understand, at one time, this person was almost daily in my life, the lives of my family members and especially with my youngest daughter. Milestones, or life-changing celebrations with this "friend" occurred, and we stopped being included or invited altogether. This person had written off our "friendship" long ago and I hadn't even realized it.

I'm not gonna lie, that truly stung. Those little squeezes in the belly or the heart at times brought tears or even took my breath away. Can you relate? Has that ever happened to you?

Enter the ever-loving "Let Them" movement. In many ways, I can relate to that way of thinking. I love the popular saying that states "if someone shows you who they are, believe them." If a so-called friend wants to abandon the friendship, "let them." Let them go. It is way past time to stop trying so hard. Stop being the one to always initiate contact with that certain individual.

When the realization finally hit me that this particular friendship was one-sided and conditional, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I started to retrace the years of my relationship with this person and was surprised at what my memory grudgingly brought to the surface. She was never the close friend I had believed her to be. The life similarities I had thought we shared were in fact, non-existent. At the time, I saw what I had wanted to see. In truth, we couldn't be more different. In my mind, I believed that she truly cared about me and our friendship. In reality, she didn't. She had never even asked how my daughter was doing through and after her cancer. That was the toughest one to let go of, if I'm being honest. The friendship was one-sided and not an actual friendship at all. So, I had to let her off the hook and take myself down off the cross.

Obviously, it was painful for a while. The truth is that people will disappoint us, it's in our nature, but God never will. Mother Teresa said it so well, "In the final analysis, it is between you and your God; it was never between you and them anyway." Our main motivation should be about pleasing God, not worrying about what others think of us. It's much more gratifying to live as if you are performing for a party of one, the Lord, instead of "surfs" or the world.

The hurt was real, but the healing divine.

Dear one, with the state of the world today, you truly must, "above all else, guard your heart, for out of it are the issues of life" Proverbs 4:23 (NIV). Be very careful of those you let into your inner circle. Again, surfs serve a purpose. All acquaintances have value, but YOU are far too valuable to allow just anyone into your inner circle. Not everyone is meant to join you on your journey through this life.

I've heard it said that before God elevates you, He will separate you. How can a thought be so comforting, yet uncomfortable at the same time? I mean really, who wants to be separated and alone? He has His reasons for seasons of isolation. Let's explore a possibility as to why.

Proverbs 17:17 (NIV) tells us that "A friend loves at ALL times, and a brother is born for adversity." It doesn't say that a friend loves when it's convenient for him, but continually. To me, the second part of the scripture explains that a true friend who is more like family, a brother or a sister, is born for adversity. What does that mean to you? To me, it means that the truest of friends stand by you not only during the surface, fun-loving times of your life, but are also there when you are struggling in the trenches or toughest of times. Fake friends may not view the friendship as a true bond of the heart, but rather as merely a convenience.

The fact that these surface types of people don't stick by you for the long haul does not mean you have failed in the friendship department. It simply means that God is filtering them out of your circle. Perhaps the point that God has given you a discernment to uncover not only your own heart's intentions of desiring a lasting true relationship, but rather to expose their false friendship, is actually a form of His protection. He is not exposing a wrong relationship to make us bitter about the hurts we may have endured, but to intentionally make us better in the long run. He removes them in order to replace them, with lifers, in His own perfect timing. He is also desiring that we lean into and on HIM more and more instead of looking to friends for our own validation. He wants to spend time with us. Lonely times may be a signal from the Father reminding us to just be present in the moment with Him. To be thankful for all He has done for us. To love on and just praise Him, for "our God inhabits praise," according to King David in Psalm 22:3 (KJV). Wherever we pray and praise Him, He is there with us. What a truly divine and comforting thought.

We should never have to beg for loyalty from a friend, but need only to watch for it. Real friends don't need reminders. In my example, I believe that God is teaching me to stop mistaking familiarity with faithfulness. I choose not to cave in to offense when it happens to me, and it WILL happen, again and again. Instead, I choose to chase after and hopefully rise in wisdom and true discernment.

People will come and go in your life. God may allow some to stay for a season. Some may be around for a while to teach us something. Still others may be allowed in because God needs you to help them. A sad truth is that not all are deserving of your time or effort. But the lifers...The lifers are a wonderful gift from the Father who loves you so much that He knew you needed them as much as they needed you. The Father, that loves us all so much that He sacrificed His only son, so that we could spend eternity with Him.

For that very reason, we strive to live our life for a party of One. For our Heavenly Father. At the end of the day, who cares what the world (or the surfs) think of us! Please always remember that God is pleased with you. He loves you, unconditionally. He desires a relationship, a friendship with you. After all, He is "a friend who sticks closer than a brother," Proverbs 18:24 (NIV). And that is all that truly matters.